Post-heartbreak realization

Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you should be with them.”

Have you ever been stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in?

In absolute respect to my past lover and the love that I had for that person, I will do my best to think rationally and appreciate the little things that my previous relationship taught me.

It was toxic. I had to admit and point that out, the relationship we had was toxic. It took me years of chasing after the person, and years of shedding a part of me to adjust the the person he wanted me to be. Most of my loved ones and friends advised that I let go, but the stubborn me was just not having it.

To be able to love and be loved is one of the greatest things that a person would ever experience here on Earth. Loving someone is the absolute proof that something bigger than us exists that we can exert a love so pure. I know where that love came from, I just don’t want to accept it. Accepting a love wherein I don’t have to do anything to be loved, is all new to me.

I got so used of just giving everything I can. Time, money, effort, dreams, goals, and all of what was left of me. I embraced the part of loving and took responsibility for the mistakes that wasn’t mine. I tried to toil on further to make the relationship work. For most people that knew me, it was a struggle seeing me give myself up and stoop that low.

Those palpitating nights and unanswered phone calls were all pulling me down and pushing me to the edge of taking my life. “What’s the use? It’s hard to love, and not be loved back.” I thought. Like the rising tides, my emotions went roller coaster, taking me deeper, and plunging me lower to the brink of my death.

Quite metaphorical actually, most of us are stuck in a relationship that we don’t want to be in, in the hope of that person changing for us. We cannot teach people to love us the way we wanted to be loved, for it is their choice, and theirs alone, to decide whether to love for better or for worst.

Most of the heartbreaks in life are the best teachers, for our lives are not downsized to the rules of “how-to’s” and live by the books. Life teaches us that things may not go our way, but that is totally okay. There are people that will stay until the end— and actually mean it. As much as others feel conflicted and lose trust on most people, there will always be certain beings that will stay through thick and thin. Not specifically having any romantic-inclination, but friends that will see through you and decide that they want you in their life just because.

The great thing about life is that you don’t know when things are going to end. It won’t always go your way, but that’s what makes it exciting. Living the day and giving your heart whole to every person regardless if they actually deserve it or not is quite rewarding. God knows most people need certain individuals to not give up on them when days are dark and rough, and the fact is He allows and gives people who will stick till the end and be an instrument of His love for us.

Trust me. It’s a process. We all wanted clarity and security, but to be honest, the only secure promise that I could hold on to is located in the Bible on the book of Psalms, one of the greatest record of songs and poetry that describes human emotions and the process of submitting to God. My heart is prone to forget and wander off to just live life on my terms, which is not possible, given that I know and acknowledge that there is a God so holy and worthy of praise and trust, and He knows what He is doing in my life.

Despite my pain and my heartaches that are far behind me, Soli deo Gloria.

Psalms 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.IMG20171229071145

A Beautiful Mess

“And something inside me just…broke…That’s the only way I could describe it.”             //Ranata Suzuki

Calm down, self.

As if four long hours of palpitating and fighting my own thoughts of ending my life isn’t exhausting enough, I have to force myself to get up and try to reason out the palpitating times to my professor why I missed the first hour of her class. “This is so tiring“, I thought.

I honestly don’t want to deal with the faces of dismay and disappointment today, looking at me with absolute disdain. It’s a dead weight I can’t get away from. The suffocating feeling, the hyperventilating days, mind relentlessly fighting for survival towards my own mind, I literally feel like I’m losing my mind.

Last night I drank bleach in an attempt of ending my frail soul, to my disappointment, I only threw up for 5 hours continuously, to the point that I was excreting bile from my throat. I’m so tired of trying to fight this, can’t anyone see I’m trying? I’m fighting for life, gasping for every ounce of hope I can get.

An hour has passed by and I am still here, lying on my tear-filled bed. I feel so immobile and useless, praying and screaming silently for God to help me. Everything else is a blur. Like a nightmare you can never wake yourself up in, is playing on my end of reality. My stomach grumbling and sick, my head filled with millions of ideas and ways, contradicting neurons and synapses that won’t let me rest. My heart beating so loud that I can hear the pulsing through my ear.

Worthless. Slut. Tamad. Malandi. Walang mararating sa buhay.

People don’t understand the weight that these words carry, especially for people who are struggling to live day by day, trying to cling on to the pea-sized hope they have of staying sane and alive. Crazy how I can store all of the hope-filled verses and ideas in my head and still feel this way. Pretty sure I’m not losing my mind, since I function normally around people, but when I’m alone, my confused brain is leading me to want to kill myself.

Do I even try to be better? Obviously.  Do I lack faith? Certainly not. I have faith in the assurance that God can understand me, but most of the time, my head just reels towards the reality that most people won’t be able to perceive the feeling of  fighting your brain for hours and end up knocked-out tired and in need of rest. I post verses and daily encouragements from the Bible. Is that enough?

Will it ever stop?

Will I ever get out of this?

Will I ever be loved?

Will I ever be understood?

Thousands of questions swimming in my head that I currently cannot answer. Maybe at the back of head, I can, but my own mind was not having any of it. As my lungs struggle to intake the oxygen, palms sweaty, and whole pillow drenched in tears, I grasp on the single hope that I will get better.

Fast-forward one year.

Same struggles, different year, different perspective. Acknowledging that my depression and anxiety is not my identity and just a sick part of my brain—which is an organ of my body, helps me process my thoughts better.

I broke it down to 4 main points for me to process it slowly and filter what is real and what is not.

  1. It will stop. The thinking, palpitating, and non-stop crying nights will eventually come to an end. However, given that hope I just stated, it must be a daily fight that our own selves are willing to battle. Battle our brains and choose to find a better perspective for all the things that are happening.
  2. You will get out of it. Now I’m not trying to disregard the fact that people have been struggling to get out of the endless cycle in their brains, but for some reason, I am alive today and am well, simply because the battle for me and my brain is not just my battle, it is God’s. My anxious heart is most of the time affected by how the world will turn out to be if things didn’t go my way. My thoughts are pioneered by fear and worries that wear me down. I am not in charge of my future, as much as I claim to be. God is. Acknowledging that my Good Father knows what He is doing and will never fail me, unlike most people, gives me an unending peace that only He can provide. Not yoga. Not travelling. Not even trying to love myself. In the lense of how He sees the world and loves His own children (Romans 8:35-39), I was opened to the fact that my life is not my own.
  3. You are loved.  You are. Your brain is not allowing yourself to see it, but you are. Gather your loved ones and get all the help that you need. Pursuit of being loved, as I call it, as funny as it sounds, it works! Find people who are willing to stick out for you and pray with you when you are desperately struggling, trying to breathe, or fight the urge to self-destruct and hurt yourself. You are loved, more than you will ever know. If people have failed you, always go back to Your Maker. “Your love is relentless.” His love is relentless. While people can give us a bit of satisfaction from getting the approval and appreciation that we need, no one else will be able to decode us than the One who made us. I don’t mean to sound church-y, but it’s true. Once you understand how great His love is, enough to stitch and heal past wounds, you will be swimming in the depths of His grace and love, and you won’t be asking for more.
  4. You are not alone. We understand. God understands. To make it clear, even though we are currently living in the 21st century, there will always be ignorant people who won’t even move an inch towards understanding people who suffer from mental health illnesses. It’s okay. Find a community of people who will understand and share their lives on riding the tide with you. In the noise and chaos of this broken world, even people who we trust can hurt us, which is why it is vital to know that God hears you. No matter how hard some nights and even days can get with our mental toxic juices working, He hears you. So scream, cry, and shout aloud “THIS IS JUST MY BRAIN. THIS IS NOT MY IDENTITY.” I cannot speak for everyone, but since I am vocal about my faith, my hope lies in the fact that my identity is not based on this illness that I have. It is based on how God sees me. My identity is a sinner, just like everyone else, and the only hope for my heart is God and His unchanging love for me. My identity is in Christ alone. My identity is not defined by my panic attacks, my moods, my emotions that most people can’t understand. My identity and hope is in Christ alone.

This article is to abolish stereotypes. Unless we determine that we are in deep need of help, more than the medical, but inclining towards the issue of shame, guilt, and past sins, we will never be able get out of the cycle. We are humans, broken and sinful people, loved and redeemed by a holy God.

If we do not act against the enemy that contributes to how we think, we will never figure out how to fight our brains. We will be stuck in a loophole full of people going around in circles, trying to find the cure for our own heartaches and miseries.

It’s the truth. We need the truth. We cannot do it on our own. We need help.

And the truth is, we need Christ.

21 Realizations at 21

1) People will leave.

2) Some people can stay

3) Real friends will tell you harsh truths.

4) Your parents are growing older.

5) Love is more than the sparks and butterflies in your stomach.

6) …it is based on hope, respect, and trust.

7) NO ONE can love you unconditionally. Unless they are God.

8) Life is too short to not say what you mean.

9) Afternoon naps when you were a kid is a blessing from God, do not take it for granted.

10) Your heart will deceive you.

11) Love without limits, get hurt, and then love again.

12) Humans are so depraved. We think of more solutions than actually doing something.

13) We are killing Earth and everything in it.

14) There is no single standard of outward beauty. Embrace and improve on yours.

15) It’s okay to be weird.

16) It’s okay to be different.

17) It’s okay not to be okay, love.

18) It’s okay not to be okay, but don’t stay there.

19) People will hate you for your beliefs, you don’t have to please everyone.

20) Plants and trees are very beneficial. SPELL: O X Y G E N.

21) You have a lot to learn.

Tita Lucy: A Tribute to a person well-loved

I’m sorry tita. I promised you, through my prayers, that I will not cry in your absence. I promised and vowed but I failed. I failed miserably because it’s almost impossible not to remember your warm smile and contagious laughter. It’s impossible not to hurt when I remember the little things you did for me when you were here on earth. I don’t want to forget them because the little things were special to me.

 I remember when you scolded me for coming home late. I remember crying because I was stuck in traffic, fearing of what you may say when I come home. I distinctly remember the day after, when I was preparing for my exams, you came home from the mall after buying groceries and sent the maid to give me sliced fruits in a cute container for my upcoming exams. My heart warmed. My heart was at home.

You see tita, we weren’t always that close. We were worlds apart. I just thought of the possibility of staying at your place because it would be nicer to commute and I wanted to be closer to you. You were the object of my approval because you were never fond of me. That being said, I don’t know why you don’t like me. Maybe it’s because I blab too much or I get excited with petty little things, or because I’m too girly. I don’t know the reason. I completely wanted to win your affection because it hurt back then, that you had your favorites. You would take my other cousins to different places, to Batangas, but I’m there left alone wondering why you don’t want to take me.

  I don’t blame you, tita. That’s how the world works, but I guess I have to keep on loving people because that’s how I’m wired. I know I’m created to love, even if that love isn’t reciprocated. After I transferred to your place, things started to change. I can see genuine smiles from you, although they don’t exactly look the way when you smile to other people, I appreciate the encouragement of you maybe starting to love me.

 I started giving you saging saba and kamote because I know they were your favorites. I keep on giving these quirky post-its and handwritten letters because that’s what I do best when I want other people to notice me. I thought, all along, that you keep on throwing those letters because I never imagined that you’d actually want to keep them. One time, I was trying to call you in the back door, I decided to go inside your living room and to my surprise, I saw my notes and letters organized inside your Bible. I cried in relief. I was overjoyed that you kept them because it meant so much to me. It meant that in your own way, you are starting to accept me and love me.

 Months passed, I started to move out to a dormitory closer to school and you’re left there at the house. I missed you. I missed you terribly, that I even miss the moments when you scolded me for slicing the onions wrong. I miss the fact that you were so generous even if the people are being so rude and unkind to you. You kept on giving, and you kept on loving. I missed the small, thatched room where you used to leave me food. I missed the moments you would make excuses of seeing me, reminding me that you just wanted to check on me. I know deep inside, that there is a love lying, waiting to be awakened.

I was getting ready to go to your house the next day when it happened, the day when I received horrible news. You were killed. You were murdered. As my mind relentlessly kept on creeping back to the time when your smile was bubbly and warm, all my heart felt back then is distinct shattering and breaking. You were murdered by someone very close to you, someone in our bloodline. You were murdered by the one you cherished the most. It broke my heart, tita. Your death is unacceptable. There are many realistic and horrible ways to die, but murder is not one of them.

Denial, pain, and depression were pretty much my best friends the first few months after you died. It became hard for me to come to God for comfort, because my heart is full of hatred. One of the reasons why I’m typing this post is because the enemy is attacking me to hate someone related to you, someone whom I have been close with the entire time of my childhood. I actually consider her my sister, but I never thought it would go that far. I’m typing this, because I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to act as if nothing you did made an impact on my life. I don’t want to shut up about it because you are a story worth telling to people who only knew you as “Santa Claus” every Christmas, giving presents to random people. I want the whole world, if possible, to know how full your life is. You lived well. Your life, according to you, was not perfect, but it was how God wanted it. You are a raw example of beauty and generosity, and if I could go back to the days when you were alive here, and walking on earth, I would hug you the entire time.

This is for you tita. This is me, letting God take control over the things I am completely helpless about. I love you, Tita Lucy. I’ll see you when I get there. I’m proud to say that through Christ’s unconditional love for me, my heart is now recovering, and I am slowly learning to forgive.

The Beauty of Life

Screeching wheels, people on their phones while sipping coffee, and polluted air.

The common everyday scenario for people who have been going phases from their humble homes to their destination. We struggle to survive, whether we admit it or not. We have been tested beyond our limits to prove ourselves in this world where your best is just not good enough. Sometimes, it can be really suffocating. Life can sometimes be tiring. Sometimes.

Stop right there. Breathe. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I realized, that the world is a much better place when we learn over time to find a different perspective and view of how things should be. How beautiful are the broken pieces of the glass, how the symmetry and the crystals shattered collide. How people’s tears are so important, because they poured themselves thinking about a certain something to the point that their emotions blended with what they are pondering about.

Is it just me that the rays of the sun fall magnificently every 7 am as I am walking down the road at the barks of the trees are beautifully colliding into place? The dew damps of the grass every morning fascinates even the most brilliant artist? Was it my fault, if despite all the pain and the harsh chaos this world brings, I find comfort in knowing that there is an infinite Lover of my soul who created the world for us to enjoy, but we ended up growing apart from Him because we wanted more?

As I keep reading the book that’s despised and feared by many, the Spirit revealed to me that we’re just travelers here in this world. This is not our home. However, as partakers for Christ, we are expected to experience hardships and thorny roads. We are expected to go through these things, only to get Christ, and Him alone.

My mind so confused was suddenly wrapped up in the Savior’s love. My sin where I was drenched in was completely forgiven. I am free. I am free from chains. I am free from the chains the world has put me in, the chains where my sin dwelt in. His blood paid the price, and He paid it so that one day, I can meet Him again. In my vulnerability and in my weakness, may the name of the Lord be lifted high.

This is the meaning of life. This is the beauty of it.

A Letter to You

It has been a month since I said “Yes” to us.  It has been a month since I considered this real, all of the hype of me and you and the future things I have planned on doing with you. Truth is there is no fairytale-type of love story. Most girls have been used to watching fairytale type of endings in movies, and I know that it is not how things work in real life. In real life, there are struggles and problems to deal with. Time, space, compromise and a lot of understanding to last and create the forever type of love is needed. We cannot get things the easy way, we have learned that most decisions in life are tough and in order to reach it, we have to work hard for it.

We have crashed bridges and burned pages in the book of our lives, but that is alright. We can make it through. Life is not about being perfect, but by learning everyday to accept our flaws and change ourselves for the better. It is not about finding the perfect person, but rather looking at the imperfect person perfectly and loving unconditionally. I know I am far from being the perfect girl for you or for anyone else, but I am opening myself up to changing myself for the better to be deserving of your love. It’s true that it gets tiring at times, especially when life tests our love and how we react to certain things. I know there are times where you cannot understand me as much as I cannot understand you, but at the end of the day, we know that we’ll be back in each other’s arms.

I love you so much that I am also open to the possibility of giving you up if there may be other things that will make you happier than being with me. It will hurt, but seeing you happy will be enough for me. I will cry every night, but I will have the comfort knowing that you are contented and fine without me. All I’m saying is that, your happiness is greater than my needs. Seeing you happy will also make me happy.

We have lived years without each other and I know that it is no miracle that God reunited our paths again. I have been very thankful for this chance. I guess that the truth is, my heart feels home with you. We have a long journey ahead of us, but it will be bearable as long as your hand holds mine as we face the world both in present and in future. In love, there is no fear. I have always feared losing people that I love, and I always strive to make them stay. This time, even if I fear losing you down the road, I gobble it up and take the risks. I think that the definition of being fearless is not the complete absence of fear but facing our fears boldly and bravely without turning back.

I know it is in you, the best of the best. I don’t ever want to give up on us. I hope that we find ourselves completely lost in the wonderful and spontaneous adventure of discovering each other as we reach our dreams together. I believe that everything and anything is possible if we work hard and believe with our whole hearts. Hopefully, the time that we’re not together made you realize how much blessed we are to have this second chance. I also hope that you know that my love for you will always be greater than your mistakes. You will always be my home, but please take care of me.

I don’t usually sound vulnerable, but when I do, please know that I am down for you.

I love you, and I always will. God bless our relationship.IMG_783170618779045

Beautiful Wounded Soul

Mich and I have been best friends since we were high school. I’ve seen her come out of her cocoon and spread her beautiful wings. High school life was not that easy for us. Living everyday facing bullies and high school drama is a struggle. We were actually both bullied by several jerk heads that thought of themselves as gods (sorry, it came a little bit too strong but I can’t really come up with anything less to express the statement), while us, on the other hand, just had each other.

Mich’s whole name was Joan Michelle L. Ureta. Back in high school, she was kind of fat and not that much of a “popular girl”. It was such a struggle for her to fit in, simply because other people are too feeble-minded to even see through her eyeglasses and her broken smile. Sometimes, when I can see people making fun of her, I defend her myself, even if it means losing the chances of being in the “cool and accepted” cliché. I mean, I never wanted to be that much of popular anyway. I only wanted to be branded as the normal kid that people would somehow notice. I wanted to be that girl that would be sensible and brave enough to stand for the right things that the world despises. I guess that fate stepped in and it came to happen a little bit late.

At first, I didn’t like Mich at all. I was wondering why people badly bullied her until she cried in the bathroom to tears or how vain she wanted to become a part of a group where she belongs that she’ll start to make up stories in order to get people like her. I actually thought, like everybody else, that she deserves to be bullied. Things changed when she opened herself up to me. I saw her vulnerability, how hard she wanted to prove things and make name for herself. I saw a very beautiful girl, and I was instantly drawn to her being so sweet and kind. I felt like murdering and killing someone for having that first impression. She was undoubtedly gorgeous, and it’s not her looks that measured her, it was her heart that captivated me.

As our friendship grew, I started to help her to cope up with things and help her change herself for the better. Our classmates would talk to me and ask me if our friendship was for real or if I was just using her to get what I wanted. You see, Mich is very generous in giving. She really makes you feel important by the things she gives. I turned to my classmates and told them, “Shame on you all” and then I just walked away. It actually hurts, people thinking that the only reason that I was with Mich is because of her money and that I just cling around with her because I am taking advantage of her. Lies everywhere and words were thrown like arrows dashing right in front of our vulnerable and feeble hearts. If anybody would really see through Mich, they would understand and see that it is not about the money. She is priceless, and being her best friend is one of the best thing that ever happened to me.

Mich was a very beautiful and fragile girl. Words can either make her or break her. She rarely can find true people that know her true value, and when she knows she did, she cherishes and protects them. I have seen guys who courted her and admired her come and go. I don’t always agree with her choices, but I support whatever decision she makes.

She doesn’t have that much of a good record when it comes to relationships, and sometimes it hurts to see her fading away as some part of her were taken by each guy who would either cheat on her, or simply if the relationship just won’t work out as they expected it would be. Sometimes, I still see her as that girl who would easily break when guys try to break her walls down and turn into a complete jerk. She is like a flower, if not taken care of, it might die and just wilt.

She was an insecure girl before, she tried to push through the things that haunt her most, like her past. She tried almost everything to make other people like her, but the truth is that she is exceptional in her own way she do not even have to blend in just for people to notice her. She is an exceptional star in the galaxy that no one ever dared to venture.

I guess she was far one of the best apple from the apple tree, only few guys try to get the hard ones,  she was left on the top for no one to climb. She is gorgeous, and I caught myself staring at her for as many times as my eyes blink. I think I can see myself through her, for there were countless of times I almost begged for love. I cannot see my worth as a woman and as a person because only few people made effort to make me feel that I am loved. That is also the reason why I am really determined to stick with her; I know that she’ll bloom one day.

Many nights passed as I struggled to tell her how much she means to me. She was more than a best friend; she was my sister from another parent. Although our genes and our physical features didn’t agree to whatever I was implying, I knew deep within that my soul is bounded to her forever.

To be honest, I’m glad to see her complications. I’m glad that she opened her imperfections and her struggles in real life—no matter how big or small they were, for that is the only time I get to see how beautiful she really is. Frankly speaking, I’m smiling in tears while typing this. I miss her. I miss her laugh and everything about her. I miss her stories, and the nights I tried to pray for her broken heart. I miss her more than I could miss anybody. She is my sister, that I am 100% sure of.

This is all for her, for the beautiful and awesome soul she has. I hope she’ll not change her tenderness, I hope that no one will take that away from her, Because I love her. I love her kindred spirit, and I love the way she is.

The Twisted Side of the story

There was a boy, who fell in love with a girl. There was a girl who felt the exact same thing. Their hearts merged and became one as they traveled the depths of their cold souls and silent fears. Struggling, they force themselves to stay, for they believed that love could keep them alive. After a few twists and turns, it ended just like that.

The girl cried in despair. She felt isolation. She was nowhere near home. Her heart searched for something, for the familiarity and the warmth that only he can give. She was broken and shattered.

The boy was empty. Faking his smiles and hiding the pain in the company of his friends. He was mad for the chance he took, he was broken for the hopes he gave that turned out to be as dull as gray.

But after long years of waiting…One day, a blogger-image--370930674shooting star passed by. Fate as they say gave them their shot. They met and smiled and forgot all the scars of the past. They looked up to the  sky sighing as they look at their sides, and took each other’s hands. They realized what it was, perfect timing under the moonlit night.

To the guy who captured my heart

DISCLAIMER: This is semi-fiction based on cut-out story portions from different girls 🙂

I have always wondered how you caught my attention, or how you make me feel so giggly even with the small quirks you do. Being the independent woman I was, I never really intend to depend on anyone. I never let my emotions cloud my mind because I know that if love was real, it would fall just exactly into place at the right time and with the right person.

And then you came along. It was very surprising for me to be attracted with an easy-go-lucky guy. You got a hold of yourself and still play it cool even though there are things that are bothering you. I never took notice of you until one day; I saw sadness in your eyes because the girl you courted turned out to just play with your feelings. I was watching you as you tried to cover the pain with your sarcastic laugh and fake smile. I thought that maybe, just maybe, there is a heart in that spontaneous soul of yours.

It started with a harmless crush, just watching you every time you recite or defend something that you strongly believe in. You talk endlessly about basketball and planned different hang-outs with your friends. I saw how driven you are, and how compassionate you are to them. I smile whenever you would crack a joke, or even when you snicker when you find the person you are talking to annoying or boring. I admired you at your weakest point, when you just did nothing but stare at the ground, thinking deep.

The feeling of admiration after a few months grew into falling in love with you. I know that I should stop whatever I was feeling because it would be like playing with fire. It would be dangerous and full of red-alerts for me. You would never like me. We have a whole lot of differences so there was no way that you would see me as I am.

Time passed and I noticed that you were trying to talk to me step by step. You would randomly crack a joke and then look at me. I get butterflies in my stomach every time you would stare those Chinito eyes and I swear I could distinctly remember my seatmates complain about how my squeals annoy them. You made my heart flutter effortlessly. It was all enough for me and I expect nothing more than that.

Promenade came and everyone was in their best looks. Boy, you sure dressed fine because you got me looking in an instant. I did my best efforts not to look at you but it was such a struggle. I saw you staring at me and I swore my heart skipped a beat. I held my breath as the slow dance started, everyone I know was on the dance floor, everyone except me and you. You started to walk your pace as your eyes met mine.

The room was quite airy, but I swear that I cannot breathe. You held your right hand and said “Would you like to dance with me?” and I didn’t think twice.

While dancing, I guess the way they described it in the movies happened. It was all slow-motion, focusing my only gaze on you and how you’re looking at me intensely. You said you liked me and I was overwhelmed, things were so magical.

To make the long story short, you courted me for 3 months. I cannot say that I was getting the fairytale type of treatment that I wanted, but it sure was enough for me. You are more than enough for me. My fear grew, knowing that I was starting to break down my walls that I built for myself. I was vulnerable and irrevocably in love with you and it was dangerous because back then, I knew I could have left the world just to be with you.

Young love, they say, is just infatuation. They say that it was all you get when the people around you failed to notice you for who you really are, but I was clearly in love with you and I don’t even know why. As cliché as it sounds, I agreed to be your girlfriend, but it was far from what I expected and a light year away from what I deserved. You treat me like I was just an option. You only text me when you feel like you needed to. I hate coming off as clingy, but I just can’t stand to wait for the night just to hear from you. You were always unavailable, you keep on doing things and your replies were so late that I already did everything to make time pass. I wanted to believe that your love was real. I wanted to believe that you were just really busy, but the days and the thoughts started to kill me deep inside. There were days where you just constantly not reply to anything. It felt like I was dating a ghost.

Little did I know that day by day, I was dying slowly and painfully. I haven’t noticed that my world started to revolve around you, but what I did notice was that strange feeling on my chest. That feeling that you were just playing me, that you just like the idea of me being around. I would like to believe that you were serious, based on your mom’s stories. I held on to every little detail and still trusted you.

It was senior year, and I was excited to see you again for it was the first day of school but the moment I did, all you said was that you have something to do. I agreed and I even told you that I would wait for you. Hours passed, and we were walking towards the jeepney stop to my ride way home and then you stopped and paused. I was looking at you with great fear, knowing that something was terribly wrong. “Let’s stop this…” you said. I never knew that it would hurt so much. It felt like I was falling into a deep hole. You said that you’re going to fix your life for us, for me, and that someday when the time is right, we’ll find each other again.

It took me some time to be okay. I guess you were my great love, for I cannot truly forget you even though many guys started showing me what I deserve and what my worth was. There were occasions that I would see you like my pictures on social media sites, and it will start to hurt again for there were terribly a thousand questions left lingering in my mind. College came, and there were so many changes. I managed to get my life together without you. I excelled at the things I love doing, and people started to notice what I am capable of.

It was Christmas Eve and I was surprised to see a Christmas greeting from you. We had a small talk and it was going well, until you started to open up, saying that you miss me. As stupid as it sounds, I gave you your shot. I sent you hints that I am very willing to engage into a relationship again, let alone go back to what we used to. Sadly, after a few days…  I can feel like I was the only one pushing through, so I stopped hoping that you’ll come back because it was God’s way of telling that I have to let go of you.

Sometimes, when I get waves of missing you and when I thought of you, I say a little prayer. I told God that I hope you are okay and I hope that you are always happy. The bitterness started to fade as I slowly let go of my hard grasp from the memories of you and from the awesome feeling I get whenever I would think of you.

June started. Classes resumed and I received a text message from you. We had a really nice conversation and you started opening up the things that I wanted to hear for a very long time now. I don’t know what had gotten into me but I gave you another chance. I hope that this time, you meant all of what you said. I hope that this time, I would feel home again. I hope that this time, you would know what you missed and be willing to make up for it. I hope and I pray that this time you’re serious about what you told me. I guess I never could unlove you, for only you can fill the empty spaces in my fragile heart.

And this story , is for the guy who captured my heart.